I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
