Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
