thus making me awesome and them whores
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
