don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
