5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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