is your mom at the bar?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
