I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
