My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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