..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
