my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
