i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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