i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
