I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
