I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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