I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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