Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
