Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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