my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
