For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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