only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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