At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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