It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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