I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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