My sheets look like a crime scene.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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