It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
