I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
