Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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