my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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