She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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