Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
