Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
worst night to have a conscience
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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