just survived the first fart of the relationship.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
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