Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
