How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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