how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
