When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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