Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My pussy is not your playground.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
