The maid of honor just puked.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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