mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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