Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
