He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
