True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
