These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
