Your face is a jimmy john
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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