As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
