I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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