I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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