I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
