College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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