Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
