I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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