Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
